Chef Amy has officially reached weaponised kitchen goddess status with her brand new frying pan, and a warning label: scratch it, and she’s legally allowed to clobber you. I’ve seen her wield it. I’m not taking any chances. Even the metal utensils are scared.
Meanwhile, Matthew had to pee in two tubes after Cancer Support Nurse Carol gave him an arse-kicking. There’s nothing like a little tough love and urology to spice up your Monday morning with Carol.
Over at NPLCC, Matron Walker of the wards and Matthew squared off in a sausage stand off. Tensions rose, sausages were waved, and I’m pretty sure the Crafty Club has never seen such bratwurst-based bravado. All of this, naturally, before mid-morning was even in full swing.
Enter Super Star ⭐️ Emma, our new secret weapon. She’s on a one-woman mission to get more physical copies of this very blog into the hands of cancer patients everywhere, so they can laugh so hard, they’ll forget they may pee their pants, even if just for a minute. Emma’s such a selling machine; I was cleared out of car air fresheners in a single day. Good thing they’re individually wrapped; otherwise her entire bungalow would smell like a lavender farm on steroids. She’d have to move out, or risk being evicted by an angry cloud of aromatherapy.
If you spot me wandering the community centre looking like I’ve got a sanitary towel stuck to my forehead, don’t panic. It’s actually a migraine cooling strip. Mary (my migraine) has been relentlessly kicking my arse for four days straight, so I’m fighting back with a slap of menthol and denial. Desperate times, desperate measures!
And don’t even get me started on the schoolyard-level dramas being performed by adults. That’s a soap opera for another day, because frankly, your time is too precious for that nonsense. Seriously, what is wrong with people? It’s like SSSSSelfisssssh SSSSSStevens out there (no offence to any actual Stevens; your name just sounds perfect for this part with a lisp), just waiting to kick you when you’re already down, especially when you are ninja fighting Rodger and Mary Migraine as it is. Remember when society was all about ‘Be Kind’ after Caroline Flack passed? Yeah, well, that slogan seems to have packed its bags and buggered off too, and changed to ” Don’t be Kind…. Maybe we should rephrase it a little to ” Don’t be an arsehole.
I am off to strap another sanitary towel, apologies, I mean a cooling patch to my forehead to smother Mary Migraine, so chow for now!
Kate xx
Tune in tomorrow, cos by then I will probably be in prison marking the walls with a tally as I await my manslaughter sentence to play out. (DISCLAIMER: FOR THE WOKE SOCIETY: THIS IS A JOKE!)
Another Stupid Disclaimer: No frying pans, sausages, or sanitary towels were harmed in the making of this blog post. Side effects may include spontaneous laughter, mild confusion, or the urge to buy car air fresheners. If you find yourself offended, please consult your sense of humour before complaining. This blog is not responsible for any accidental peeing, migraine outbreaks, or unexpected lavender infestations. Proceed at your own risk. Screw Cancer: Rodger the Dodger is not liable for any damages, except maybe to your dignity.
