I didn’t work the Breakfast Tuesday shift this week because I was on Nanna duty with Toby. But from what I heard, the team served over 30 people! At this rate, they’ll need to hire a full-time chicken just to keep up; maybe give it a little chef’s hat and call it Rodney the chicken. If you hear shrieks from the kitchen, don’t panic! It’s just Rodney popping an egg out her arse (minge, arse, minge, whatever) and Chef Amy trying to negotiate with Rodney to lay eggs faster cos the customers are piling in and it’s only 10 am. Honestly, you can never argue that your eggs aren’t fresh; they’re practically still clucking!

I took Toby back to my house after his mum went off to work, and he started his hoover impression almost immediately. I barely had my coat off before he launched himself at the kitchen like a Dyson on steroids, bellowing his now-famous catchphrase: “Nanna, I wanna eat!” If it wasn’t nailed down, it disappeared into the Toby vortex. And yet, when his mum picks him up, he puts on the most tragic face and sighs, “Nanna didn’t feed me again!” Honestly, if there were Oscars for toddler performances, he’d sweep the board.

Meanwhile, Matthew is now only three days away from evicting Rodger the Dodger. Each morning, he’s pacing the house like a contestant on Bake Off waiting for their soufflé to rise. The tension is thick enough to spread on toast (if Toby hasn’t already hoovered it up). The operation is looming, and every time someone mentions hospitals, Matthew looks like he might bolt out the door and dig a tunnel to France.

And then, highlight of my day, are you ready? Drum-roll, my new craze: the PIP Dunk. For those not in the know, this is the satisfying, earth-shattering THUD a PIP application form makes when it hits the bottom of an empty post box. I kid you not, it was so loud I’m pretty sure the whole street thought someone was moving furniture. Picture the poor postman opening the box to find ten of those beasts at the bottom. He’d need a forklift and a week off for physio. Honestly, if Royal Mail ever introduces weight classes, PIP forms will be in the heavyweight division.

So that was my Tuesday: breakfast battles, surgical countdowns, and a back injury awaiting the unsuspecting postie, poor bastard.

And, who says my life isn’t exciting? Well, we are only on Wednesday, so a lot could happen before Friday! Today is delivery day, so Nanna Bambi’s van-driver admirer will be eyeing her arse up again, and then after that we are taking Toby to the model village; I have already debriefed Toby and explained the model houses aren’t edible, but who knows with this kid? If he goes quiet, we just follow the cardboard-munching sounds.  

Until tomorrow, I will say Chow for Now!

Love you long time!

Kate