If you visit NPLCC often, you’ll know that Tuesdays at our place mean only one thing: the legendary Breakfast Tuesday Club! Where else can you pile your plate high with a full English for only £4.50 (unless you fancy a fried egg, of course, those are an extra £125.00 EACH), because apparently, chickens have unionised, started laying 24 caret gold plated eggs out their arse, and now demand top-notch coops, that would put Pimp My ride to shame, Hello Kitty stationery and a pair of Hug Boots each in winter to keep their feet warm. It’s either that or the cost of living’s gone so bonkers you’d consider flogging your nan up the Strawberry Fields car boot just to afford any extra fried egg on your breakfast.

Anyway, the whole point of Breakfast Tuesday is simple: keep breakfast affordable, save grandmas from being sold at car boot markets, and give the community somewhere to fill their boots without having to remortgaging their house.

Yesterday was no different. In strutted Matthew, grinning like he’d just won the meat raffle at Christmas time, declaring that morning he wanted to “see the team at NPLCC”…., AGAIN! If you’re a regular here, you’ll know by now that’s code for “I’m here for the grub and to wind up the missus for the second day running.” After yesterday’s melodrama, Matthew did his best puppy-dog impression after a minor run-in with the Mighty Morphine Power Stranger, now needing to be doubled for his pain (Morphine prescription, not superhero, please keep up). I caved and let him join. On one condition: “Behave yourself.” It seems miracles do happen, because he actually did behave himself!

Of course, every breakfast comic needs its villain, and this week the role was played spectacularly by none other than… [cue comic book music for new character]… Matron Walker of the Wards! After 35 years keeping the NHS in line, she now spends retirement perfecting the art of poaching sausages straight from your plate. Be warned: if you spot a glint in her eye on a Tuesday, guard your bacon with your life. If you fall victim to her breakfast thievery, feel free to lodge a complaint at www.bemorecarefulwithyourfood.com, where I’ll take your complaint as seriously as I take my two dachshunds, which, frankly, means you’ll be lucky if you get a reply before the next ice age. And should you wish to escalate your grievance up the Management Food Chain, let me save you the postage stamp: Matron Walker of the Wards is one of our Trustees. So, to summarise in the King’s English: you’re absolutely fucked, mate!

Naturally, once Matthew had consumed a sausage pile that’d make even Matron Walker pause for a swig of Gaviscon, he sauntered into the lounge to brighten  (torment) SSSSazzy SSSSSamantha’s Tuesday. Remember to say with a lisp, SSSSSSSamantha. Nanna Bambi, remember our shop supervisor, (and no, I aint’ going to explain again why her nickname is Nanna Bambi, Cos one, I value your time, and two, my own sanity, just read yesterdays post for the explanation ya lazy git) Any-way, Nanna Bambi was spared his company in the shop today, meaning our sweet shelves lived to see another day, and we didn’t have to restock the jelly babies before elevenses. Small mercies.

All told, Breakfast Tuesday was a right raucous affair, with plenty of full bellies walking out the door, despite Matron Walker’s best attempts at daylight robbery. That’s the real win; we love nothing more than seeing people leave happy and absolutely brimming. If you’re finding your trousers a bit snug and eyeing up those donation bins, don’t blame us! We accept no responsibility for expanded waistlines. If you’d rather keep your calorie count in check, just let Matron Walker swipe your bangers next week and call it portion control, though we can’t guarantee your breakfast, or your dignity, will survive the encounter!

Keep following these blog posts if you have nothing better to do with your life, oh wait? I am the one writing them, shit! That says a lot about me, eh?

Until the next episode, keep ya chin up and your eyes on our sausage thief, and if she does swipe a sausage, just say “OOOOOOhhhhh Matron” ….

Chow for now!

Much Love

Kate x