It’s Raining, But We Are Still Smiling!
12 Glorious Days OFF.
Phone notifications: OFF. Stress: OFF. Bra: also OFF.
I came to the holiday cottage to do absolutely fuck-all, and so far that doing fuck all is going so well. Yesterday the two sausage security guards were in their hi-vis and tiny cowboy hats taking up 90% of the bed, as usual.

This morning, it is pissing it down. Proper Yorkshire summer. Flagstones are flooded, puddles everywhere, grey sky, stone walls dripping. But the dogs? The dogs are THRIVING.
They’ve done a full risk assessment of the two flower beds, inspected every flower, pissed on them and made friends with a FROG (yes, really!).

A full-on, sitting-in-the-middle-of-a-puddle, big cheesy grin, Ribbit! frog. They are now best mates. They have formed a union. And not coming back inside, fucking idiots.
And oh yes! Today is EVICTION DAY.
Not me, thank fuck. RODGER THE DODGER.
For those not in the know, Rodger is what we’re calling the bladder cancer. He’s been squatting rent-free for too long, being a total dodger. Today, Matthew is in surgery while I’m here holding the fort (and the dogs, and the frog) in a rainy garden with a sign that says:
EVICTION DAY, GET OUT RODGER!
And on the other side of the garden:

Thinking of Matthew ♡

So yeah. It’s not the sunny, Aperol-in-the-garden, holiday cottages Instagram bollocks I had planned.
It’s rainy. I’m anxious. I’m refreshing my phone like a lunatic. The dogs are trying to move a frog in as a lodger. But we are still smiling. Because fuck you, Rodger. Pack your tiny cancer suitcase and GET OUT.

Anyway, Bollocks to it; I’m on holiday. So that’s enough writing for now; I will update you tomorrow on how Matthew is doing.

Chow for now!

Kate x

P.S. Matthew, when you wake up, we now have a pet frog!

Disclaimer:
18+ Adult Humour. Carer malarkey + community centre mayhem, as lived by me, Kate. Not medical/legal. Brands like Dettol, Lidl, and B&M are not sponsored; I just shop there and moan to fuck about all the shit that happens in my life. © 2026 Kate Batten www.katebatten.co.uk If you steal my words and expect to get Dettol’d.

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